Next to Me
by OctoberWren
Summary: Six months of absence and Juvia is breaking apart and she doesn't know how to fix it or even if she wants to.
1. Next to Me

_There were just facts of life, universal truths that no one would surely deny. The sky was blue, the grass was green and Juvia Lockser loved, adored, worshipped and revered Gray Fullbuster. From the moment their gazes locked she just knew he would change her life._

_(She was right; he did.)_

The fever wasn't going away, if anything, after what she learnt, it was climbing into her bloodstream leaving Juvia faint and with legs that couldn't quite hold her up. But she was determined, yes, she was still that, she hopes so at least. She's not quite sure of anything anymore.

"He's okay?" And that's the most important bit, never mind the ugly feeling that was crawling and twisting in her gut, he was okay and that had to mean something. (It did mean _something _but Juvia wasn't concentrating on that now, her whole universe was attached to the fact that he was safe, safe and unharmed.)

"He's okay, Juvia." Carla was reassuring her, trying to maneuver her back to the bed, "He's fighting a battle as we speak and when your well enough, you can see him yourself. Now back inside those covers Missy. Your fever hasn't broken yet."

"He-he was undercover?"

"That's what they told us, yes"

It took her a moment, a spilt second of hesitation.

A crack of thunder showed no signs of the storm passing.

"Juvia," She shook her head, trying to clear and shake away the thoughts that were threating to overwhelm her, "Juvia doesn't understand."

Wendy, sweet Wendy was looking up at her with mounting distress and big innocent eyes and jumped when the storm roared outside, "What don't you understand Juvia?"

It didn't make any sense, how could he, (and she could barely think his name let alone let it leave her dry throat) a man who brought such color into her life, literal light, leave her feeling like this?

She felt…broken, fragile and she couldn't understand _why_.

"Juvia?"

Six months they spent together and Juvia had thought…she had presumed that they were growing closer (sometimes she thinks she presumes too much). There were times when he would look at her, just _look _like maybe Juvia was something special to gaze at. And she never said anything about it because Gray had his past and a heart that was guarded with thorns so she had to be careful, so very careful. There were times where she didn't want to be, where she _ached _to go to him, but she knew in her core that he wasn't ready and so she waited. She waited because he was _everything_ and even being by his side was enough.

_It was enough_

Until he left the warm place beside her and the world spun on its axis and crashed beneath her.

_Oh_

Oh.

Juvia put a hand to her chest where she could feel the organ trying to rip apart beneath her ribs.

He walked away like so many others, but he was supposed to be different, he was supposed to be her guiding star, so bright compared to the darkness. He was _everything_ and he left her.

He _left _her.

There was a light inside her eyes that was slowly dying and no matter how she tried to coax it back it didn't work. She tried to find that part of her that belonged to him, a part that was like the sun itself and fan the flames of her love. But she couldn't. She had nothing left in her. Not now. Not when it was so blindingly clear.

_There were just facts of life, universal truths that no one would surely deny. The sky was blue, the grass was green and Juvia Lockser was an ameonna forever destined for her loved ones to abandon her._


	2. Apart From Me

Sometimes (all the time) she wondered what it was about her that caused so many to walk away. She at first thought it was the rain, forever with her, never-ending, a constant. She thought that was why her mom and dad threw her away, she knew that was why she was tormented by the children in the orphanage and it became a fact when Bora left her alone on a cold street.

In her darker moments, she didn't really think it had anything to do with the storm she brought with her. A part of her, a large scary bottomless pit, filled with agonizing pain, whispered that it wasn't the rain at all.

It was all her, down to the marrow of her bone, it all had to do with her.

She wasn't pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough.

She thought those were just her insecurities, just echoes of a past littered with rejection. But_ he _didn't live with the rain, it wasn't his constant. He got to know the real her, he knew her better than most people.

And still…

She wasn't pretty enough to hold his attention; she wasn't strong enough to stay by his side and not nearly smart enough to realize the bitterly cold truth.

It was her all along.

Juvia never knew pain like this before, not really, not to this degree. And it _hurt, _it hurt so much she couldn't face him. Not on the battlefield and not at home.

A home that used to be a safe haven for Juvia, she used to sit in her room and make dolls with the likeness of _him, _now they sat untouched in a soaked box outside of her dorm.

There were dark clouds hanging overhead, which she couldn't do much about, she tried. Really honestly tried. Juvia needed the rain to go away to be able to stay in this world. But she couldn't find that light that shown so brightly inside her, she couldn't find it and as the hours stretched to days it seemed a hopeless exercise.

She was so tired, bone-weary and even with the insistence that she should stay in the infirmary, she refused. Because everything was fine. Just fine.

The pain? A welcome of the old.

The rain? A long-lost friend.

As for _him _well he was her beloved, nothing could change that_,_ _nothing _would change that.

That was until she stepped into the guild and his silhouette was the first thing she saw.

"Well, where the hell _is_ she then?" He was speaking to Mirajane, the bar beneath his fingertips had frozen over and cracked when he slammed a fist into the wood.

"Gray…" The woman caught Juvia's eye, in fact, the whole guild turned to look at her.

She may have become a recluse in the past couple of days.

Just his name uttered out loud was enough to have her taking a step back, that he was in front of her was the breaking point in having her turn around.

She wasn't fast enough.

"Juvia!"

She blinked, once, twice, she always loved the sound of her name coming from his lips, in whatever capacity, her heart always_, always _skipped a beat.

It was dead still now.

A strong grip had her turning around and Juvia stared at the face she had memorized in her waking hours. He was frowning, a deep line of concern carved into his expression.

"Where have you been?" He whispered it like they were the only two people in the whole entire universe. Instead, they had a rapt audience, one that she could feel the pinpricks of their gazes.

Was this how it usually was? Did they used to occupy a world entirely their own?

"Juvia?" A little shake and she was staring into his dark fathomless eyes.

"Juvia was," Numb, in excruciating agony, crying herself to sleep. "…busy."

He winded his eyes, countless emotions flickered across those beautiful eyes and Juvia was too tired, too numb, to catalog them.

Maybe this was what dying felt like.

"I need to speak to you." It was an urgent thing, his voice, a desperate symphony that would have before made her walk-through hell and demons alike to follow.

But that was before and, in the after, in the after she was removing his grip and taking a step back. Even the confusion and stricken look on his face didn't stop her.

It was too much, not enough. Not nearly enough.

"Juvia, can't." It was a whisper, drowned out by countless voices inside her head, to stay with him, right next to him and never leave. But it was self-preservation that had her taking steps away from him.

It hurt just looking at him and knowing she was expendable.

There was a gasp from somewhere in the guild, Juvia not following him was inherently _wrong, _and the look of confusion on his face showed he thought the same.

"I just-" He ran a hand through his hair in what looked like frustration, and a move like that would have before made her reach out in comfort, now she tucked her hands behind her back to stop them moving of their own accord. "I just need to explain."

"Juvia," She shrugged a little looking anywhere else but at him, her gaze filtered across the guild, she caught a few gazes, they were all looking at them both in silence. "Juvia understand why Gr-Gr." She huffed a breath, now it was her that was frustrated.

It was just a name but it wouldn't leave her shaking lips.

"Juvia understands why he did what he did."

He looked at her, really looked, it was one of those gazes that pierced straight through her. The ones that made her feel special and cared for. It made her think of sunshine days.

She didn't like that look, it was filled with lies and broken promises.

The rain proved that.

"Then why- "Back straight, a muscle ticking in his jaw, he looked like he was going into war. "You've been avoiding me."

She didn't want to do this, she didn't want to stay here and feel these things, the storm was cracking, vicious outside, it grew the longer she stayed in his presence. The guild's walls were trembling at the force of her emotions.

She let her eyes stray to him, just for a second, thinking that maybe this time she wouldn't feel so broken, so torn apart.

When their eyes locked, both searching for answers that neither could give the other, she finally understood why she couldn't just go back to normal. Why the happy warm feeling that used to reside in her heart, was so cold and aching now.

"Juvia has to go."

He couldn't just let her leave, not now that he had finally found her, not when she looked so lost and alone.

"No," He caught her hand, stopped her in her tracks, and once, a lifetime ago it seemed, Juvia would have looked at him with hearts in her eyes at such a gesture, now though she barely glanced in his direction.

It terrified him.

"Please, let Juvia go." She hadn't even said his name, it hadn't escaped his notice and the longer he took her in, the more a shaking in his bones was telling him he was running out of time. If he let her go now there would be no coming back.

"Not until you listen to me." He was firm with this, he'd track her down wherever she went, he'd follow her anywhere in the world just to get her to listen, he _had_ to explain himself. He just had to and after that, things could go back to normal.

Thunder cracked and a new wave of rain hit, he could barely hear over the roaring of the storm. What he could clearly identify though was his racing heartbeat.

"Juvia I had to go, I had to go when Erza asked me too. The things they were planning, it would have destroyed the world. I needed to keep those I cherished safe."

_He needed to keep her safe_, but he couldn't say that, it was too much, too soon and a realization that was slowly seeping into him, like warm whiskey.

"I'm afraid I was the one who told him to keep the mission to himself." Gray jumped at the sound of another voice apart from his and Juvia's, he had forgotten that other people existed.

If that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was.

Erza clamped a hand on his shoulder, which he struggled to keep the wince off his face, "Gray had no choice but to comply with my order."

If he wasn't watching Juvia's every facial expression, looking for a way into her suddenly closed off face, he may have missed it, but he didn't. There was a flash of pain, intense and raw crossing over her at the very mention of his name.

He didn't think he had hated himself more than at that very moment. He did that to her. He caused the one person who was devoted to keeping him safe and cared for agony.

"Juvia," He whispered her name like a plea for absolution, like she could fix every wrong thing in the world.

She barely looked at him, instead focusing her gaze behind him to the redhead.

"Juvia was in Phantom Lord, she used to be apart of a bad guild if anyone could infiltrate another one it would be her. If they knew so much about Fairy Tail they would also know Juvia would never leave her Gr-Gr- She would never leave his side." Juvia was growing agitated and the weather outside raged at her pain.

She tried removing his grip that he still had on her hand but Gray wasn't having it, he clung tighter, interlocking their fingers when she tried again to tug him off. Apart from that she barely paid him any attention, focusing instead on Erza.

"And if you had just talked to Juvia instead of leaving her to wonder day in and night out if he was dead somewhere, lost and alone. Then maybe-then maybe."

She was struggling not to cry and Gray couldn't help the wave of sorrow and guilt he felt, in fact, he embraced it, if this was even a fraction of how she felt, he deserved the ugly emotions swarming him. He caused this, he deserved all the consequences of his actions.

And if Juvia never forgave him…he couldn't think like that, he wouldn't. She had a big heart, she had to forgive him, there was no other option, he was inherently selfish and if these past couple of days taught him anything, it was that he could barely function without her at his side.

Erza took a step back, "I am sorry Juvia, you're right, we should have informed you of the situation. We weren't thinking."

Gray clung to those words and attached his own, turning his back on the other woman he focused fully on Juvia. "Erza's right, we weren't thinking. I'm sorry Juvia."

And maybe a big part of him thought that, that would be it, he'd say sorry, she'd hug him and everything would finally turn back to normal. He'd be able to sleep without the gnawing suspicion that he fucked up monumentally. That he lost something irreplaceable.

But with her next words that theory was shot to shit and her voiced laced with genuine hurt cracked open his heart to bleed him dry.

"You didn't think of Juvia at all?" And now, now she was looking at him head-on, with confused betrayal lining her face and Gray, Gary rushed to get that look off her face.

"No! That's not-"

"Juvia, thought of him every day, every waking hour, she thought something terrible ad unthinkable happened, "She shook her head, a small fragile thing that took his bleed out heart and _squeezed_. "She never once, not once, thought that he would just _leave_ her."

And Gray couldn't say anything to that, not a thing, he was paralyzed with indecision, an alien feeling. He was a man of action, of cold calm logic. But this? He just _knew _without a hesitation of doubt that whatever he said, couldn't fix this. And whatever he did say wasn't enough. It was the defining moment. It was too important, to life-altering.

And Gray was frozen.

"Juvia never thought you would make her feel like this, you…you brought the rain back." It was heartbreakingly tragic, her voice, filled with utter bewilderment. Like she couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth.

But he couldn't just lay down and die, he wouldn't lose her, he couldn't lose her. Not now when he knew what she meant to him, he'd lay down his life, he'd do anything, anything to get her back.

So, with steel-like determination racing through his veins, Gray squeezed her hand and vowed. "I'll fix it."

A promise that wouldn't be broken, he'd freeze the rain if he had to, he'd ice over the world if needed. Anything just to get her back by his side.

"Juvia…Juvia doesn't think that's possible." She whispered in a broken, hollowed-out voice. She always believed in him, it was a constant, a belief system that couldn't, wouldn't be shattered. When everyone was against him, she held firm.

Now she was looking at him like he was a stranger, a ghost of the man he used to be.

Something inside of him crumbled like porcelain and there was no glue strong enough to put it back together.

Still, he planted his feet, raged against everything telling him to back down, back off, give her space, knowing that if he pushed too far it would cause a rift to wide to breach.

He took her other hand, limp in his own, "Why? It's possible, anything is, you just have to trust me, I'll fix this."

She shivered, but he doubted it was from his touch, not now, not today when everything was fucked up beyond recognition.

"That's the thing Gray-sama," And if he had ached to hear his name from her lips before he hated the impulse because this was terribly wrong, this wasn't her soft lovely voice saying his name like a melody, like something she cherished and coveted.

This was shards of glass tearing apart her throat, it was hurt and grief chocking her up.

"Juvia doesn't trust Gray-sama, she doesn't trust him to not hurt her anymore, she thinks…she thinks Gray-sama broke her heart."

She was able to get out of his grip and leave only because his hands went lax. He started after her retreating back watching as she got engulfed in the rain that he brought on.

He watched until the doors closed behind her, he watched as the guild started to come back alive, as one by one his teammates came over to offer comfort, a hand on his back, a punch to the arm, he watched even as the white noise became voices.

"…need a few days and then everything will be back to normal." Lucy, he thinks that was her, a flash of gold, a small smile, pink at her side.

"No," he shook his head, never removing his gaze from the door as if she'd run back inside with a smile just for him and him alone.

The door stayed closed, the rain beat on and Gray surrounded by loved ones had never felt so alone.

"No what, Gray?" He didn't know who asked the question, didn't care much, he wasn't there, not really, he thinks his body and mind left when she did.

She left and it was all his fault. All of it. He tore out his own heart, he shattered it in-between his own hands.

"Nothings ever going to be normal again, I made sure of that, didn't I?

No one had anything to say back to that, he didn't care.

All he cared about was a girl, his girl, who was hurting and alone because of his selfish actions, he didn't even think he deserved her forgiveness, he didn't think he deserved her. Period.

But this wasn't about him, it was about her, it would always, from now on, be about her. He made a vow and he was going to keep it; come hell or high water he was going to give her sunshine again.


End file.
